Spike Bytes - Angel Season 5

|Angel Season 5|

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BUFFY: | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Other |
ANGEL: | 1 | 5 |                                    

Click the Episode Name to download the .zip files — all listed quotes will be included.
* denotes flashback quote
** denotes from a dream sequence






Ep 90 — Just Rewards (40 files)

  • "Bugger."
  • "What? What's happened to me?"
  • "I'm no — I'm no bloody ghost."
  • "I must be in hell."
  • "What have you done to me? What is this place?! Who are you people? What the bloody hell is happening?!"
  • "So what are you then? Scanner girl?"
  • "Think I'm hot, do you?"
  • "What? You mean my skin and muscle burnin' away from the bone? Organs explodin' in my chest? Eyeballs meltin' in their sockets? No. No memory at all. Thanks for asking."
  • "Can't a man die in peace without some high almighty deciding it's not his time. 'Let's have a little more fun with him, eh?' You think that saving the sodding world would be enough to earn me a rest."
  • "You! This is your fault."
  • "You brought that bloody amulet to Sunnydale. You would have been the one to use it, until you chickened out."
  • "You heard me! You left town in the nick of time, didn't you, before the death and mayhem? Abandoned the woman you claimed to love."
  • "And this, bloody hell, wasn't mine. I'm not you. I don't give a piss about atonement or destiny. Just because I got me a soul doesn't mean I'm gonna let myself be led around by—"
  • "Or maybe Captain Forehead was feeling a little less special. Didn't like me crashing his exclusive club — another vampire with a soul in the world."
  • "Running away again. Nice new M.O. I can see why heroes like you get rewarded with the shiny new glass and chrome. Why didn't I think of that?"
  • "And here you've even managed to get my ex-tumble, the littlest vampire, fetching coffee for you. Nice perks for the sell-out."
  • "I'm not the prat here. I know you, Angel. What do you think you're doing? Made some devil's bargain to take over this company. Thought you'd use it to fight the evil of the world from inside the belly of the beast. Trouble is you're too busy fighting to see you and yours are getting digested."
  • "Man's gotta stay focused on profit margins and power lunches."
  • "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't care."
  • "Gladly. Cruel enough punishment being stuck here as a spook while you play 'Chairman of the Boring.' But hell if I'm gonna spend my afterlife in your stinking city. Get stuffed."
  • "Don't think I didn't bleeding try. Every time I got as far as the city limits I kept popping back here like my insides are getting yanked."
  • "Hey! I'm nobody's bloody property, Percy. So what? I'm just stuck here forever?"
  • "This haunting-you-till-the-end-of-time idea of yours is starting to sound appealing. I could drive you completely starkers, right out of your gourd. Yeah, and you wouldn't be able to do a sodding thing about it."
  • "Oh, life among the power elite. It's all so civilized. Hainsley grinds up one of your people into chum, and you drop by for tea."
  • "They're the lucky ones, aren't they? It's over for them. They've shuffled off, cleanly, the one time. Nobody's shoving them back into the stinking world against their will."
  • "A spoon?! That's just .... Well, okay, that's more .... disappointing, really."
  • "Hey, I'll root for anyone with half a chance of taking you down a notch."
  • "Ya ponce! You're my problem. You got it too good. You're king of a 30-floor castle, with all the cars, comfort, power, and glory you could ever want, and here I save the world, throw myself onto the proverbial hand grenade for love, honor, and all the right reasons, and what do I get? Bloody well toasted and ghosted is what I get, isn't it? It's not fair."
  • "I'm not here to back him up. I just haunt the bastard."
  • "That's how you're gonna fight the forces of evil now — call the I.R.S.?"
  • "Relax, beefcake. I didn't come for a fight."
  • "I don't play for that side anymore, or haven't you heard? Besides ... even if Mr. Death could do what he promised, I trust him about as much as you trust me."
  • "I can't live like this, Angel. Being useless. Being nothing. I want it to end."
  • "What, think I could really stand hanging out with you and your lot, now and forever? Wisecracking ghost sidekick. No bloody thanks. Come on. You know as well as I do, it's for the best. I'm glad it's you, though. Finally doin' me in. Feels right. You being my grandsire and all. Circle of death, eh?"
  • "Uh, I think you missed."
  • "Come on, Angel. What choice did I have? Bloody exorcism? Letting you and yours banish me to oblivion? No, thanks. Necro here's gonna give me my body back ... after I take yours for a test drive, fix his little problems. And here's the kicker: I go in, and you go ... pfft! Off to never-never-come-back land. And then ... yours very truly will be running the show. Your cars, your fancy digs, everything — everyone — I deserve ... will be mine."
  • "You're right. Enough talk. Let's do this, already. I'm itchin' to get physical."
  • "Oh, come on. Had to get a few licks in, didn't I?"
  • "Don't wanna go, but it's like ... It's like the ground underneath me is ... splitting open and my legs are ... straddling both sides of this bloody big chasm. It's getting wider, pulling me in."
  • "I know what's down there — where it's trying to take me — and it's not the place heroes go. Not by a bloody long shot. It's the other one. Full of fire and torment. And it's happening. And I'm terrified. Help me?"

    Ep 91 — Unleashed (11 files)

  • "I don't suppose all this bugaboo's about yours ghostly."
  • "Hey, I'm a situation, remember? I'm a bloody phantom. And you and your serious girl spectacles were gonna help me with my bloody little problem."
  • "Later? There may not be a later, luv."
  • "We got a history, him and me." ... "What?" ... "It was a long time ago. He was a young Watcher, fresh out of the Academy, when we crossed paths. It was a, what-you-call, battle of wills...and blood was spilled. Vendettas were sworn. It was a whole—" ... "My God ... you're so full of crap."
  • "If you find her before she turns. Catch her after she goes all growly, won't be easy taking her out. I had a wee spat with a werewolf myself once. Fought for over an hour. Brutal, vicious. Almost lost my—" ... "Angel killed him with a pen."
  • "Tick-tock, tick-tock. The moon's a-risin', ladies and gents."
  • "We wait for the show. Should be a good one. Everyone on pins and needles, dreading the moonrise, then pop goes the werewolf."
  • "Fetching her blanky's not gonna make a bloody bit of difference."
  • "And when it's not that time of month? She'll be wracked by the guilties. What with a soul and all."
  • "Last gasp before eternal fire and brimstone. Let's party."
  • "No need to get dramatic."

    Ep 92 — Hell Bound (25 files)

  • "Not a twinge. Can't spirit the knick-knacks about. Can't willie the locals. Bloody sad ghost I turned out."
  • "Chipper. Give us a hug."
  • "Feeling the tug of eternal damnation? Maybe that's why I can't touch anything. Using all my mentalies just to keep from slipping into Hell."
  • "To making me a real boy again?"
  • "And what in the King's English does that mean to the dearly almost departed?"
  • "Don't mean to interrupt the sitting in the dark basement, mate, but could you point the quickest way back to the lab? As the ghost flies—"
  • "Never a fetching mad scientist about when you need one."
  • "Right. Vampire ghost here, ya sod. Bloody well invented afraid of the dark."
  • "All right. Lured me here with the creepshow. Now what?"
  • "Just thought we could hang is all. Couple of vampires from the old days doing our ... hangy thing."
  • "Oh, put your martyr away, Mahatma."
  • "So that's it, then. I really am going to burn."
  • "Least I got company, eh? You and me, together again. Hope and Crosby. Stills and Nash. Chico and the—"
  • "Never much for small talk, were you? Always too busy trying to perfect that brooding block-of-wood mystique. God, I love that."
  • "Never much cared for you, Liam, even when we were evil."
  • "Is this the part where I say, 'who's there?' and something creepy happens?"
  • "Oh, no. Haunted lift. Take a slice more to wet my knickers."
  • "The reaper? Tall, grim fellow with a scythe? Is that what all this boogie-boogie's been about?"
  • "Dark. Pain. Suffering. They've got it. Now tell them to help me!"
  • "No! I'm not talking to flunkies anymore! You hear that?! Got your number, don't I? You're sending in third-rates to rattle my chains. You're just some little twit of a spirit trying to have a go at me, aren't you? Big bad reaper, come to take me to Hell. Not bloody likely."
  • "You're right. I do deserve to go to Hell. ... But not today."
  • "Not so much fun when we hit back, is it?"
  • "Don't be, love. Made my choice. Wouldn't change it for the world."
  • "That I'm a handsome devil who brightens the place up?"
  • "I guess there's worse things ... than being a ghost."

    Ep 93 — Life of the Party (11 files)

  • "In my day, no-self respsecting creature of the night went out on All Hallow's Eve. We left that to the posers, the blighteres who had to dress up and try to be scary."
  • "Magic windows, will the perks never end?"
  • "Listen, chippie, you can gyrate all you like. I'll go to hell before these ghost shoes touch that dance floor."
  • "All this clap-trap is a bit of dusty old Druid nonsense. The whole silly lot of you can get hung if you ask me."
  • "Is this a great party, or what!?"
  • "Hey! Angel's gettin' some! Good on you, mate!"
  • "Oh! Oh! Me! Me! I'm your people person!"
  • "Brilliant plan. Excellent."
  • "What a fantastic entrance!"
  • "You pissed in the big man's chair? That's fantastic!"
  • "What, the Lorne thing? Wore off, I just think that's bloody fabulous."

    Ep 94 — The Cautionary Tale Of Numero Cinco (21 files)

  • "Isn't that special! We all have special powers. Anybody wanna trade? I'll swap ya two-for-one. Walking through walls, picking up mugs ... in exchange for ... I don't know, how about me not being dead?"
  • "If wishes were horses..."
  • "Squishy?"
  • "Are you serious? Here you are, finally living a piece of the high life — new clothes, new cars, my old tumble fetching you tasty snacks — and what's your gripe? 'I feel disconnected.' You want to feel disconnected, try being a bloody ghost for a bit. Try bobbin' around with no touch or taste or smell. Not many fates worse than that, I'd wager. ... Okay, maybe that."
  • "So we're ruling out demonic nut jobs then, are we?"
  • "Hey! Fred! Did ya hear? Angel attacked the old mail guy."
  • "Absolutely. Wanna buy him a pint. Bloody made my day."
  • "The geriatric community will be soiling their nappies when they hear you're on the case. Bravo."
  • "Not much choice really, is there? Can't drink, smoke, diddle my willy. Doesn't leave much to do other than watch you blokes stumble around playing Agatha Christie."
  • "Called shotgun, mate."
  • "Always was a bit of a drama queen."
  • "Nothing grabs a vamp's attention like the ruby red."
  • "I'm just trying to put as much distance between myself and General Grumpypants as my ghost leash allows."
  • "Didn't do much, really. I just stood there... let the fire come. Nothin' real heroic about that."
  • "So ... you could look up that, uh ... sans shoes thingamabob. You know, the prophecy that says that Angel gets to be a real boy again."
  • "When you say, 'plays a major role in an apocalyptic battle,' you mean like, um ... heroically closing a Hellmouth that was about to destroy the world?"
  • "It's a bunch of nonsense. It's a bedtime story to get vampires to play nice."
  • "Tall-dark-and-dreary told me he doesn't believe in that Shanshu bugaboo."
  • "Not to be Captain Obvious, but..."
  • "No, luv, in the poetry. We're dealing with a mythic creature here, a kill-or-be-killed kind of creature. If I was gonna kill something that was trying to take my heart, I'd try to bloody well take its heart first."
  • "And if it finds it, the demon becomes sun-God powerful, and you sods become a series of hearty snacks."

    Ep 95 — Lineage (11 files)

  • "Daddy, eh? I always thought Wesley was grown, some sort of greenhouse for dandies."
  • "Oh .... how've you been?"
  • "Wait. What the hell amd I worried about?"
  • "I can explain. Apparently when Percy here was younger, he was known as 'Head Boy'."
  • "I have nothing else to report."
  • "Not to sound self-absorbed, but ... you can't seem to keep your eyes off me."
  • "Don't think I haven't noticed, you've been very keen on what I've been doing lately."
  • "Does that scare you?
  • "I figure I'm trapped here for a reason. And you're part of that reason. The amulet that did this to me, Wolfram & Hart gave it to Angel; gotta assume it was to make him a ghost, not me. So why am I here? Why don't they just let me go?"
  • "I know what this is... You'll never take me to Hell, Pavane! Oh ... well, that's just something I say when, uh, it gets dark."
  • "Sorry, I have to concentrate. Ssh, don't talk."

    Ep 96 — Destiny (28 files)

  • "I've got you to feast on now, pet." *
  • "Would that I could, you big ape."
  • "You selfish sod. The rest of your lot get to go home to their nice and cozies. Me? I gotta nest in somebody else's roost. It's not bleeding right."
  • "Yeah, right. Boo-hoo. Thought he killed his bloody father. Try staking your mother when she's coming on to you!"
  • "Well, that was a slap and a tickle."
  • "Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Oh, God. It's bloody ambrosia. Is this otter?"
  • "Eyeballs dangling from the sockets, and you shouting, 'Frankly, Father, thine eyes offend me.' Bloody priceless. And beating the groom to death with his own arm, I mean, honestly, you're a bloody killing marvel." *
  • "More than that. She brought me into this world. Where I was meant to be. It's like ... she's my destiny." *
  • "Piss off!"
  • "Hold on a tick. You're blaming this on us?"
  • "Well, screw this town, then. Screw this devil's funhouse, Angel. ... And screw you for good measure. I think I'll take the new flesh and bones across the pond back to Europe."
  • "You tell me we're making a tear in the galaxy or whatnot? You think you're just gonna sew that back up?"
  • "Perpetual torment? Just know that's not gonna taste very good."
  • "Uh ... right. So, what's in it for me?"
  • "My Viper now, mate. Possession's 9/10s. Oughta know that, running a law firm and such."
  • "And one of us is going to stop it. Hey, what do you know? I vote for me."
  • "Still can't accept it, can you? Sad, really. All these years believing you're the signified monkey, only to find out you're just a big hunk of nobody cares."
  • "But I didn't, did I? Burned up saving the world, and now I'm back for real. Wonder why that is? Oh, wait. 'Cause I'm the one, you git!"
  • "Here we are, then. ... Two vampire heroes ... competing to wet our whistles with a drink of light, refreshing torment."
  • "Saved the world, didn't I?"
  • "Thought it'd be a little less goldeny, what with the torment and all."
  • "Thinking you're the big savior — fighting for truth, justice, and soccer moms — but you still can't lay flesh on a cross without smelling like bacon, can you?"
  • "Well, that's just it. I am. And you know it. You had a soul forced on you — as a curse. Make you suffer for all the horrible things you'd done. But me ... I fought for my soul. Went through the demon trials. Almost did me in a dozen times over, but I kept fighting. 'Cause I knew it was the right thing to do. It's my destiny."
  • "You hit a lot harder, Gramps."
  • "'Cause every time you look at me ... you see all the dirty little things I've done ... all the lives I've taken ... because of you! Drusilla sired me ... but you ... you made me a monster."
  • "You never knew the real me. Too busy trying to see your own reflection ... praying there was someone as disgusting as you in the world, so you could stand to live with yourself. Take a long look, hero. I'm nothing like you!"
  • "I-it's ... Mountain Dew."
  • "Yeah, well ... meantime ... this souled ex-ghost vampire's got some corporeal drinking to catch up on."

    Ep 97 — Harm's Way (9 files)

  • "Once again, keeping corporate America safe from evil."
  • "Out enjoying freedom from my ghostly confines, luv."
  • "Bit of a hangover, but that's to be expected after all the drinking."
  • "You catch on quick, don't you? Yeah, I thought I'd push off, seeing as how I got somebody waiting for me."
  • "That's your problem, mate. You're welcome to that heroic destiny, whether you deserve it or not. Me, I got better things to do than wait around for the four bloody horsemen."
  • "Typical, you cheap sod. Right, then. Settle for some wheels."
  • "Yeah, life's an ever-lovin' bitch, isn't it?"
  • "I was on my way. Had a boat ticket and all. Then I put a little thinking into it. A man can't go out in a bloody blaze of glory, savin' the world, and then show up three months later, tumbling off a cruise ship in the south of France. I mean, I'd love to, don't get me wrong, but, uh, it's hard to top an exit like that."
  • "Oh, I expect Buffy would be happy enough to see me. It's just, I gave up my life for her, the world, and if I show up now, flesh and bone, my grand finale won't hold much weight. All of it ... won't matter."

    Ep 98 — Soul Purpose (37 files)

  • "Blah, blah, blah. Give it a rest, hero. I win, you lose, and all your talking's not gonna change that." **
  • "Still can't accept it? It's pathetic, really. All your life's been a lie. Everything you've done — the lives you've saved, dreams of redemption — all that pain ... all of it for nothing. 'Cause this ... was never about you. Cheers." **
  • "What are you gawking at?"
  • "Funny, thought I knew exactly where I was. Place called the Peppermint Stick. Prima ballerina up there's Sunshine. Though I'm fairly certain that's not her real name."
  • "Who the bloody hell are you?"
  • "You sent that package with the de-ghosting mojo."
  • "Enough with the cryptic, butch. I want to know who ... or what you are ... what you want, and how fast I can snap your forearm before you answer."
  • "You talk a lot for somebody saying nothing."
  • "Like the destiny that was supposed to be at the bottom of a Cup of Perpetual Nothing?"
  • "Know so much about me, you must know I get really violent when I'm being played."
  • "Hey, you are barking up the wrong vampire. That's Angel's beat."
  • "What, so I'm supposed to jump every time you get a vision of someone in dire peril?"
  • "Well, what do you expect? Out alone in this neighborhood? I got half a mind to kill you myself, you half-wit."
  • "And on the way, if a stranger offers you candy, don't get in the van!"
  • "What, your victim vision? Please. Can't throw a bloody stone in this town without hitting some bimbo in trouble."
  • "Oh, yeah. Epic battle. My finest hour."
  • "News flash, sparky: Don't need your help. Been saving people long before you showed up."
  • "I'm the hero."
  • "Look — I appreciate what you've done for me, making me corporeal and all, but I draw the line at being your kept boy."
  • "Great. Another ruddy basement."
  • "Shh. I can't be a marathon man with all your yammering." **
  • "Well, this is, uh ... Thank you, everyone. Um ... I don't know what to say. I'm just a ... working-class bloke fulfilling his destiny. It was nothing, really." **
  • "But I didn't do this for a reward." **
  • "My heart. It's ... it's beating again! Listen!" **
  • "Well, look who's come to call — Crockett and Tubbs. Come on in, boys. Out of the cold into the damp."
  • "Man gets right to the meat of the existential nut, doesn't he?"
  • "What can I do for you? Need me to help you collate something?"
  • "Is that what this is about? You're hurt 'cause I stepped on your toesies?"
  • "No offense, Mr. Vader, but I've got no itch to join the evil empire."
  • "I told Angel, and I'll tell you. A place like that doesn't change ... not from the inside. Not from the out. You sign on there, it changes you. Puts things in your head. Spins your compass needle around till you can't cross the street without tripping the proverbial old lady and stepping on her glasses."
  • "So what? You want me to ... put on a suit, come play with you?"
  • "And the compass needle keeps spinning. And the world gets murkier and murkier."
  • "Yeah, well, I don't need a baby-sitter, so, um, bugger off."
  • "I'm soft on the inside."
  • "Look, don't expect me to jump every time you've got one of these vision thingies."
  • "That'll be a bitch of a clean-up."
  • "No need to thank me. Just helping the helpless."

    Ep 99 — Damage (25 files)

  • "Bitty slug I saved you from scramble your brains after all? Come to check yourself in?"
  • "Didn't get the memo? Hero of the people now."
  • "What he said. But with a bit more of a threat at the end."
  • "No, I'm doing. You can hang out for the show-and-tell-me-nothing. I got a demon needs repossessing."
  • "Oh, yeah. Look at the big, bad demon hidin' inside the helpless little girl. ... Why don't you come on out of there, and let's have a proper go, mate? ... Or you could do that."
  • "Sorry, luv. I don't speak Chinese."
  • "Oh, I just thought I'd see what it was like to bounce off the pavement. Pretty much what I expected."
  • "Just tryin' to wrap my lobes around it. A psycho slayer."
  • "At least I know the game, now, don't I? I killed two slayers with my own hands. Think I can handle one that's gone daft in the melon."
  • "Well, I didn't have a soul back then, did I?"
  • "You corporates go ahead with your talky-talk. Anybody needs me, I'll be out doin' his job."
  • "What do you want me to do? Go all boo-hoo 'cause she got tortured and driven out of her gourd? Not like we haven't done worse back in the day."
  • "And you should let it go, mate. It's startin' to make you look old."
  • "We can play cat and mouse all night. ... Or I could wedgie you unconscious and be done with it."
  • "'Hello, Buffy. It's Spike. I didn't burn up like you thought. How are things?'"
  • "No. Don't tell her. I'll take care of it."
  • "You're a real sack of hammers, aren't you? Hey ... don't worry. I used to date a girl who wasn't all there."
  • "Let me explain. You got visions. Right? Vampire slayer memories kickin' around in your head. Which is tough ... 'cause it sounds like you're past midnight on the crazy clock anyway."
  • "You little minx."
  • "All right. Now you've made me mad."
  • "Stop. You got it wrong. Your brain's all jumbled. I never hurt you. It wasn't me. I've done my share of bad, but you're not one of 'em. It's someone else.
  • "Come to tap-dance on the patient, have we, doc? I'd give you the finger, but apparently I won't have the motor skills till the drugs wear off."
  • "More than I'd like. But not as much as you would. Just what I deserve."
  • "No. I did. The lass thought I killed her family. And I'm supposed to what, complain 'cause hers wasn't one of the hundreds of families I did kill? I'm not sayin' you're right ... 'cause, uh ... I'm physically incapable of saying that. But, uh ... for a demon ... I never did think that much about the nature of evil. No. Just threw myself in. Thought it was a party. I liked the rush. I liked the crunch. Never did look back at the victims."
  • "Hope for the little ponce yet. Though the tingling in my forearms tells me she's too far gone to help. She's ... one of us now. She's a monster."
        "She's an innocent victim."
        "So were we ... once upon a time."
        "Once upon a time."

    Ep 100 — You're Welcome (12 files)

  • "You made the biggest mistake of your life, and I'm gonna make you pay. Oh, yeah. ... Feel my wrath, gorilla throwing barrels."
  • "Really should knock on a bloke's door ... especially one that's got no qualms about killing trespassers."
  • "In case you haven't been keeping up with the sports pages, I got my bloody hands hacked off by that deranged Slayer you sent me after."
  • "I don't need a pep talk, Doyle. I already plan on going out. You just get one of your visions to tell me when and where."
  • "Come on! You stupid plumber!"
  • "You took me on and lost, remember, old man?"
  • "She's evil, you gourmless tit."
  • "You called me a hero?"
  • "It was a taste test, you git. I needed to know if what my source said is true. And, actually, well, you don't taste evil. Demons are more ... astringent with a sort of oakie, really—"
  • "What the bloody hell is this?"
  • "Come on, lads. No need to be gentle. We're all dead men here."
  • "Well, I've been prancing around thinking I had a destiny. Love to drown my embarrassment in a few pints."

    Ep 101 — Why We Fight (28 files)

  • "Angelus. They'll let anyone in here." *
  • "You're a Nazi?" ... "What? Oh. No, I just ate one." *
  • "Nabbed me in Madrid. Sneaky bastards, the S.S. Don't ever go to a 'Free Virgin Blood' party, turns out it's probably a trap." *
  • "Who'da thought. One minute I'm asking a fellow why all the virgins look like Goebbels, next minute I'm stuck in a box on this cursed ship." *
  • "Uh, look, I broke these two out just shortly after I got free. Didn't know you were back there, would have come for you as well. 'Spose we had our hands full with the sailors, didn't we?" *
  • "Nah, we just finished off the last of them. What about back there, save us anything?" *
  • "Yeah, probably should warn you, he likes to pretend he's the boss." *
  • "I'm playin' nice with the anchovies. Like you asked. At least let me have a go at the wheel." *
  • "Oh, 'pipe down'. That official sailor talk is it? Well, ahoy matey, you can just swab my deck." *
  • "I wanna be called 'Captain'. I mean, hell, I did eat him." *
  • "Better hurry it up then. Before I get peckish." *
  • "Well, gravy. I'll menace, you talk." *
  • "That what got the Prince's coronet in a twist, isn't it? Found out you were gonna pop our tops and melon ball us." *
  • "Yeah, explained why they nicked us. Cream of the crop. Wanna fuel an army of vampire slaves, you start at the top, with the generals." *
  • "I get it. You're playing both sides against each other. No, I respect that. But if the Yanks are after this stuff too, I'm eating the lot of them." *
  • "Yeah, let me know how that works out for you, Popeye." *
  • "Oh. Damn skippy." *
  • "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!" *
  • singing "God save the King. Send him victorious; happy and glorious—" *
  • "What we? What do you mean 'we'?" *
  • "Air's about gone. You're new boy better get the engines running before the fish start floppin'." *
  • "That one on the end looks like he's done for. Be a blessing to put him out of his misery." *
  • "Bloody brilliant. Turn the poor sod to save the ship, then make him dash for dry land before Mr. Sunshine scorches him a new one." *
  • "You're still a dick." *
  • "Bollocks!" *
  • "Really ought to do something about security. They'll let anybody in here won't they?"
  • "So sailor boy finally came back for a Yo-Ho-Ho did it?"
  • "Took him long enough. Know revenge is best served cold and all, but his must have been frozen solid."

    Ep 102 — Smile Time (6 files)

  • "You're a bloody puppet!"
  • "Ha ha ha ha ha ha You're a wee little puppet-man!"
  • "Ow! Hey, that's enough."
  • "Angel, what the hell happened to you? You look ridiculous."
  • "They're lookin' at the wee little puppet-man."
  • "You heard the puppet."

    Ep 103 — A Hole in the World (25 files)

  • "Fuss, fuss. The thing was about to strike. It was on your back. What was I supposed to do?"
  • "Uuh! I'm shocked — shocked that you'd say that. I much prefer hitting you with blunt instruments."
  • "If it weren't for me, you'd be bug food, so stop whinging."
  • "It's bollocks, Angel! It's your brand of bollocks from first to last."
  • "Oh, into a bunch of namby-pamby, self-analyzing wankers."
  • "We were just working out a b— Look, if cavemen and astronauts got into a fight, who would win?"
  • "Harmony just pulled me out of a very promising poker game down in Accounts Receivable, so this better be good. Oh, and, by the way, all the guys down there agree that astronauts don't stand a chance against cavemen, so don't even start."
  • "Admitting defeat, are you?"
  • "Are you saying we should start annoying other people?"
  • "You really can't stand the competition, can you?"
  • "I'm not attached. I just don't have anywhere else to go."
  • "Roving agent. Sort of a 007 without the poncy tux. Go anywhere I want?"
  • "I've fought plenty of mummies, and none of 'em were as pretty as you. Almost none."
  • "No. Not this girl. Not this day."
  • "Let's make it twice as fast."
  • "What about your boyfriend, luv? You got some wacky scheme brewin'? Sending coffins about?"
  • "Oh, this is truly poetical."
  • "Back to the mother country. Hey, after we save Fred, we should hit the West End, take in a show."
  • "Trust me, half way through the first act, you'll be drinking humans again."   (regarding Les Miserable)
  • "When is a door not a door? When it's not soddin'-well there."
  • "Either that, or Christmasland. Do you ever have any fun?"
  • "And they even brought us weapons."
  • "Someone took it from under your nose a month ago, and you didn't miss it 'til now? That makes you quite the crap jailer, doesn't it. Also a statement."
  • "Yeah, it's been freed. Why do you think we're here? And what's your favorite color? What's your favorite song? Who's the goalkeeper for Manchester United? And how many fingers am I holdin' up? You wanna kill me? Try. But I don't have time for your quirks."
  • "This goes all the way through to the other side. So, I figure, there's a bloke somewhere around New Zealand standing on a bridge like this one, looking back down at us. All the way down. There's a hole in the world. Feels like we ought to have known."

    Ep 104 — Shells (19 files)

  • "Why would anyone ever make a bottle this small? It's inhuman."
  • "Thousands would have died if we'd saved her."
  • "It's like a bloody tease. It's like, 'Here's what a bottle of Jack would look like if you actually had one,' or, 'Here's a drink, but it's very far away.'"
  • "Well, in the world of men, a person dies, they stay that way."
  • "No, let him go. If he's doubting himself, he won't be any good to us."
  • "The thing only took over her body. Just a tip of the theological."
  • "Trust us. We're kind of experts."
  • "Flash fried in a pillar of fire saving the world. I got better."
  • "We've got a branch in Tibet? How about a couple of sherpas?"
  • "Good, 'cause I was wondering."
  • "Plenty of us to go 'round, luv."
  • "I fancied I saw a blur just before she went Houdini."
  • "Look... I want Fred back as much as any of us... but seeing her there, like that... maybe she really is—"
  • "Screams. Various fluids. And a name: Vahla ha'nesh."
  • "There's a shock."
  • "Yeah, OK, but you gotta admit, he had it coming."
  • "No army of doom scorching the earth. Huzzah for our side."
  • "It's what she would have wanted. It's what I want. I don't really like you. Suppose I never will. But this is important, what's happening here. Fred gave her life for it. The least I can do is give what's left of mine."
  • "The fight's comin', Angel. We both feel it... and it's gonna be a hell of a lot bigger than Illyria. Things are gonna get ugly. That's where I live."

    Ep 105 — Underneath (35 files)

  • "But, this is an important meeting. ... My first official parlay as a very loosely affiliated member of the ... what are we? Tell me we're not Scoobies."
  • "That's probably for the best. You'd want to be 'Angel's Avengers' or something."
  • "What? I'm listening. With beer."
  • "Hey, bullet points. Classy."
  • "Why am I always reconnaissance? I should get a decently flashy gig, like 'save the girl' or 'steal the emerald with the girl'."
  • "Hate to break it to ya mate, but bad things always happen everywhere. 'Sides, she wanted to be here. It was her choice."
  • "Bugger. You're fixin' to do something stupid, aren't you?"
  • "Welcome to the planet. We all paint on our happy faces every day when all we really want is to pound the neighbor's missus, steal his Ben Franklins, and while we're at it not think about the third of the world is starving to death."
  • "Yeah, the Prophecy. That ever-loving Apocalypse you keep going on about."
  • "Okay then, might be easier if we knew anyone who had a direct line to the big guys."
  • "Make it hard for me when I help you."
  • "If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one."
  • "There's thousands of different kinds of Hells. You've got your fire Hell, you ice Hell, your ... ice Hell, your ... upside-down Hell."
  • "According to the girl, who's only reason for being is to see her pookie bear again."
  • "Just pointed out that this one sucks. We're looking for a Hell dimension in a haystack."
  • "Oh, I hope this is toy poodle Hell, I've had my fill of fire."
  • "What? You never heard of Knight Rider? Knight Industries 2,000? K.I.T.T.?"
  • "The Wrath!? You know that's gonna be a giggle."
  • "There's gonna be fire."
  • "This isn't Hell; it's the 'burbs. Close enough."
  • "Oh, so we just open with being on fire, that's great."
  • "Aaahh!"
  • "What's gonna be in our way, the family mutt?"
  • "Cut the act, Ward. June's gone."
  • "Nuts and bolts, you're in Hell. We've come to break you out."
  • "Whoa! Hi. You're hubby was just showing us a thing."
  • "What's not the wrath? The wrath is all over!"
  • "With pleasure. The faster we get out of here the better."
  • "Somebody has fun with these."
  • "You are not bloody serious."
  • "I'm on fire! ... Oh, never mind."
  • "Whereas we got shot and almost killed by a juiced-up S&M demon. Thanks for asking."
  • "Wow, didn't see that comin'."
  • "Ouch! Take it easy Green Jeans."
  • "I've seen an Apocalypse or two in my time. I'd know if one was under my nose."

    Ep 106 — Origin (7 files)

  • "We need to set some ground rules. First off, no more punching me in the face. Secondly, when I punch you in the face, you tell me how you feel so I can write that down on my clipboard. Third, no touching my clipboard."
  • "We're off to a bit of a rough start. But don't worry, I'll break her."
  • "We're working on the basics. But don't worry, I'm writing it all down."
  • "Actually, love, we call that Scotch. Twelve-year Lagavulin if I'm not mistaken. Good choice."
  • "Oh, old broody-pants got you wound up, eh? Keep in mind he can't get laid without maybe goin' crazy. Makes it funny."
  • "You filthy harlot! I'm gonna tear your neck out!"
  • "So far I've established that she can hit like a mack truck, selectively alter the flow of time, and uh ... possibly talk to plants."

    Ep 107 — Time Bomb (25 files)

  • "All right, Grandma. Give ya that. Good one."
  • "You ain't her. I can see it. Lord knows I can smell it. And I got no problem hitting it."
  • "It's called learning. But then I guess you know everything there is to know."
  • "'Dear Penthouse, I don't normally write letters like this, but—'"
  • "Then came the internet."
  • "The one who dies with the most toys wins, eh?"
  • "Now that's cheating."
  • "Huh! Yeah, great. Thanks so much."
  • "That time-stop thing's a royal bitch, but I'm starting to suss out her million year old moves. Cheeky mix. Little Tae Kwon Do, little Brazilian ninjitsu, ancestrally speaking."
  • "Testing her has sharpened technique I didn't even know was rusty."
  • "Got her winded at least, didn't I? That's right, little shiva. Reckon you'll think twice next time."
  • "Upshot is you don't like Babe the Blue Ox in your house and you want to get rid of her."
  • "Are we talking pasture or slaughterhouse?"
  • "Oh, and by the way, we're apparently on the wrong side. Or the right side if you like winning."
  • "Good knee to the ribs does tend to catch up on you, doesn't it?"
  • "Yesterday she spend two hours mind-melding with a potted fern."
  • "We're thinkin' that she cracked her engine block and now she's leaking petrol all over the building."
  • "We're motivated go-getters."
  • "So what kind of damage are we lookin' at if Illyria Chernobyl's us?"
  • "Well, that's the problem, you don't always see her— GAH!"
  • "Read today's paper, did you?"
  • "A bit pessimistic, aren't you?"
  • "It's not murder if you say yes."
  • "Getting ahead of ourselves, a bit."
  • "Not a very dramatic difference, really."

    Ep 108 — The Girl In Question (42 files)

  • "Bugger that. Do it yourself."
  • "Not to be some glorified garbage collector."
  • "Or what, he get's deader?"
  • "How do you say 'wank off' in Italian?"
  • "All right, what is it this time? Uber vamps, demon gods, devil robots?"
  • "The foulest evil Hell ever vomited forth."
  • "You really think we can take him?"
        "Whoa whoa, what do you mean 'we'?"
        "What, you don't think I'm gonna let you traipse off to Italy without me, do you?"
        "You don't speak the language."
        "I'll get a book."
  • "Look, we get the capo's body, we rescue buffy, we stop the Immortal. It's that simple. Unless he kills you. Which would be sad."
        "He's not gonna kill me."
        "Not if I'm with ya."
  • "I just wanna to see you happy. ... Well, not too happy, 'cause then I'd have to stake ya. ... Second thought, have at it."
  • "Vampire constitution. Not always a plus."
  • "Sending your lackies to do you stalking for you. That is really pathetic."
  • "That right bastard!" *
  • "We'll just see how immortal he is when we're done with him." *
  • "It's worse."
  • "Oh, that cheeky bastard. Had us tossed and then violates your woman." *
  • "We're Immortal." *
  • "Best fit you for a pair of antlers, been made the right cuckhold you have." *
  • "Son of a bitch!" *
  • "The man has no sense of indecency!" *
  • "It's over. ... Just like that."
  • "She's under some kind of spell."
  • "Right. Hold down the fort. I'll be right back."
  • "Look, I know I don't have a shot with her, all right. Probably never did. But I still care about her and I'm not gonna let her end up with a jerk like the Immortal. Or you."
  • "Where do you think you're going with our head, Jeeves?"
  • "What the hell are you doing?"
        "AHH! I was confused, you git, it's very loud in here!"
  • "Hop on, little mama."
  • "We only have twelve hours to get that head back before Los Angeles becomes a demon war-zone. Should we argue some more or should we get on with it?"
  • "That's him. The Immortal. This is what he does. Every time he shows up I either lose my girl, get beaten by an angry mob, or get thrown in prison for tax evasion. ... Long story."
  • "Damn right we are. We're not gonna be his Shemps anymore."
  • "If his was L.A., we'd have him hog-tied by now."
  • "Cast by the vilest wretch this side of Mt. Everest. Which, I'm told, he has climbed. Several times."
  • "She killed you. I helped her. That one counts as mine."
  • "It's been his plan all along. Steal our head, keep us busy, then traipse off with my girl. Our girl."
  • "Every time we hear his bleeding name, we end up standing in the strada holding the bag. beep beep beep beep"
  • "Civilized country. Look what that squeaker did to my jacket."
  • "Not a jacket, my jacket. You have no idea what I went through to get this."
        "You stripped it off the body of a dead Slayer."
        "Which gives it great sentimental value. Besides, I've been wearing it for over thirty years, it's like a part of me."
  • "It's my second skin. It's who I am. It's just one more thing he's taken away that I'll never get back."
  • "It is a bit silly. Us. Chasing around like a couple of hen-pecked teenagers."
  • "I wasn't the one living in alleys rubbin' rat filth all over my face. If we're talking about projects, you're the Sistine Chapel."
  • "Can't we just lock her away in a box, where no one can never touch her, you know, like we did with Pavaine?"
  • "So, what? ... We just have to live with it? ... Get on with our lives?"
  • "No problem. I was plannin' on doing that anwyay."
        "Yeah, me too."
        "Actually, I'm doin' it right now. As we speak, I'm movin' on."
        "Movin' on."
        "Oh yeah."
        "Right now."
        "Movin'."

    Ep 109 — Power Play (26 files)

  • "Like you're not even there. The world trembled before your feet once. Now, padding around a place you don't want to be in and the rabble don't even give you so much as a polite yawn."
  • "Wouldn't dream of it, Blue. Still, you can't enjoy haunting this place. Less than what you were, not knowing what to do with yourself. Believe me, I've been there."
  • "Long and fascinating tale. Ghost story in fact. Short of it is, take my advice, get out once in a while before you go bats."
  • "Yeah, well, I'm afaid that never goes away. Anyhow, I thought Wesley was giving you a primer on all things human."
  • "You— Ah— You're what—what?"
  • "You may not think you're as powerful as you were, Highness. But looking like Fred ... for some of us ... is the most devastating power you have."
  • "Listen, you need some Boretz killing done, I'll have a go. I haven't had a decent tussle since the Blue Meanie and I stopped sparring."
  • "Hey! You wanna go find something to hit?"
  • "See, isn't so bad now. A little field trip out in the... well, what passes in this city for fresh air. All we need now is to bag ourselves a Boretz demon, and we got ourselves a perfect date."
  • "I think corporate living's made him lose his love for the hunt. No worries. More for me then."
  • "What are you on about?"
  • "You're wrong about Angel. Not that I don't think the sod could be a megalomaniacal bastard, it's just that if he did ... I'd know it. I'd feel it."
  • "I guess I don't have to worry about that 'cause Angel and I have never been intimate. Except that one..."
  • "Ok. Yeah! That might do it."
  • "Oh, don't give me your 'ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies' buggaboo."
  • "Oh, so you tacked up a sign on your tree, waved bye to the Keeblers, hopped the puddle and somehow managed to sniff me out in a city of ten million?"
  • "You're all torn up, mate."
  • "Yeah, rousing bit of rah-rah mate, get to the goods."
  • "Percy did a paper, bully for him."
  • "I'm not missing the fireworks."
  • "Well and good. You mind watching over our friend Drogyn? Aw, come on, new place'll do you good. It's nice and cozy, help yourself to some beer in the fridge, switch on the telly if you get bored. And uh, and feel free to play a little Crash Bandicoot, give you lot something to pass the time."
  • "We havin' fun yet?"
  • "There's plenty of these cabbals about. Usually spend a lot of time in basements, paddling one another's bums to prove their manhood."
  • "Might want to stay down."
  • "'Bout time we got our hands dirty."
  • "Kill 'em all. Burn the house down while we're still in it."

    Ep 110 — Not Fade Away (19 files)

  • "We're all one big happy Manson family."
  • "And, uh, how do you know that, Kreskin?"
  • "Fat lot of good that'll do if Hamilton decides to make another house call."
  • "Pick us off one by one, you know."
  • "Couple more shots of courage, then I may make my presence felt."
  • "You're funeral."
        "Well, I never had a proper one."
  • "My soul is wrapped in harsh repose,
        Midnight descends on raven-colored clothes,
        But soft...behold!
        A sunlight beam
        Cutting a swatch of glimmering gleam.
        My heart expands,
        'Tis grown a bulge in it,
        Inspired by your beauty...effulgent."
  • "Thank you. That was for Cecily. All right, this next one's called The Wanton Folly Of Me Mum."
  • "Can I deny you three times?"
  • "Right. First off, I'm not wearing any amulets. No bracelets, broaches, beads, pendants, pins or rings."
  • "Done and done."
  • "What do you think all this means for that Shanshu buggaboo? We make it through this, does one of us get to be a real boy?"
  • "Well, as long as it's not you."
  • "Hello, Junior. The name's Spike. And lucky for you I'm on a strict diet."
  • "Boo."
  • "Finally got ourselves a decent brawl."
  • "S'posed to wear that red stuff on the inside, Charlie-boy."
  • "Well, wishes just happen to be horses today."
  • "And in terms of a plan?"
        "We fight."
        "Bit more specific?"
        "Well, personally, I kinda wanna slay the dragon. ... Let's go to work. clang"

    The *sniff* End
    Grr Argh

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